


He's Not Even Sure

by FBIEpidemic



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 09:20:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16261271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FBIEpidemic/pseuds/FBIEpidemic
Summary: He didn't try to kill himself... right?





	He's Not Even Sure

“Not today.”

He’s gone. He’s not there when she finds him slumped and wet with his own sick.

He’s not there when she sticks her finger down his throat, just as the operator tells her too, and rubs his back as his lungs heave and his stomach clenches.

He’s just not there.

“You aren’t allowed to do this to me.”

She brushes his bangs out of his face and curses him for being so damn good. For never fraying once, he fooled them so well.

They missed the late nights at the office, he was always put together well enough in the morning that no one thought anything of it. He stays late all the time. So, how were they supposed to know when he was doing more than that?

He was smart.

No whiskery breath.

No cutting.

Nothing obvious.

“Fuck you,” she screams it against the white walls of the hospital. His blood, his vomit, his alcohol are all over her clothes. In the pristine shine of the hospital waiting room, she sobs in agony. “Fucking bastard!” 

Her fist pound against the tiles and soon his blood and her own mix into the cuts of her knuckles. 

It’s grief, she knows. Grief because he’s still alive but doesn’t want to be. Grief because she didn’t see it. She should have known and she didn’t. Doesn’t that say something?

“What happened?” His brain is foggy, he can’t remember anything. “Sir?” 

Dave is above his head, he can feel the soft hands of a female moving along his wrist, but he sticks to who he knows. Dave. Who is standing over him with a solid hand on his chest, keeping him from moving. Not that he would move even if he wanted to. 

“You haven’t called me that in years,” there’s a smile that tugs at the corner of Dave’s eyes. It’s the same tug that his eyes do when he talks about James. Little James, Hotch closes his eyes and thinks about Dave’s desk. Dave has something on his desk with James but he can’t seem to remember-

Dave’s rough hand pats at his cheek, the cool metal of one of his rings making his face sting.   
“Keep those brown eyes open for me, kid.”

It hurts his entire face but this time Hotch smiles. It’s crooked and he mumbles and slurs out,” haven’t called me that in years.” He coughs dryly, a spasm in his throat that he can’t suppress because he doesn’t have a firm enough grip on what’s happening. He’s numb. Simply numb.

When he gags, he can’t even turn his head to stop himself from choking on his own vomit. It’s okay because there are hands that force his body to move as a bucket is placed under his chin. 

“What were you thinking?” Dave’s voice is reprimanding in the softest way and it spurs a deeper thought in him. “Why would you do something like this? I thought… I just…”

His profiler brain kicks in and he knows what Dave can’t say. _“I just thought I wouldn’t need to worry about losing two sons.“_ Every time he gets hurt, every time he ends up in the hospital he fakes sleep long enough to hear Dave whisper that same line. 

But this time… he doesn’t know what Dave’s talking about. 

“Dave?” He can’t get his mentor’s name all the way out of his mouth. It’s like stuttering and just not being able to say the words that just at the tip of your tongue. He knows something isn’t... He thinks someone has...He needs to puke.

“Easy, son.” Dave rubs his back even when he’s shaky and too tired to even try to understand what’s happening. 

 

“I didn’t try to kill myself.” 

No matter how even he can keep his voice, they don’t believe him. 

The padded restraints remain on his wrist. They make him panic, they send him back to Foyett. They drug him when he goes to Foyett.

He’ll figure this out.

He didn’t do this to himself.

He didn’t swallow an entire bottle of pills.

He didn’t empty his liquor cabinet.

Yet, something inside him…

What if he did?


End file.
